


why oh why can't i

by Minkja



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010), DCU
Genre: Bruce Wayne is Batman, Childhood Memories, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Sedation, Implied/Referenced Torture, Jason Todd is Robin, M/M, Masturbation, Memories, One-Sided Attraction, Pseudo-Incest, Sad Ending, Swearing, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, alfred pennyworth is briefly mentioned, gross use of somewhere over the rainbow, not beta read we die like men, sad masturbation, sadfic, teenage masturbation, there is no rape do not worry, this is the night of jason's death it's not exactly happy, time skips ahead in memories without warning sorry, underage tag because robin is underage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:29:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29728368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minkja/pseuds/Minkja
Summary: What does a teenager think about right before being blown to smithereens?
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson/Jason Todd
Kudos: 25





	why oh why can't i

**Author's Note:**

> ....i'll see myself out
> 
> but no, uhh, cards on the table, this is purely self indulgent. i had a burning desire to explore what jason's final thoughts may have been before dying. especially if those thoughts were gay. and especially if he had a big fat crush on dick.  
> i have obviously taken some artistic liberties here.  
> and maybe i had some ugly personal feelings to work out  
> oh god i haven't written anything in such a long time, be gentle =_='

He was cold, trembling, although he'd been trying his utmost to hide it. The telltale laugh of the Clown Prince of Crime pierced his ears as he screwed his eyes shut against the dirty concrete floor. Whatever he had been sedated with, (thankfully not Joker toxin, he noted dully), had worn off and his senses had fully returned, much to his chagrin. His wrists were bound behind his back, bare and cold without his gloves. Also noteworthy was the absence of his boots. He barely registered the Joker gloating above him, talking more for the sake of hearing himself, Jason thought. Just as well that he distract himself long enough to forget to hit Jason with that damned crowbar again. He had felt more than a few bones crack under the cruel ministrations.  
A ragged, wet cough worked its way through him, carrying the all too familiar taste of iron up with it.  
Batman would come. He had to. And if Batman couldn't come...hell, he would entertain the far-flung fantasy of holding out for Nightwing.  
Jason was rudely jerked from his reverie when he felt a pointed shoe press increasingly harder against his face.  
"You know, I get the distinct impression you aren't paying attention, Boy Blunder." A lazy drawl, laced with invisible threats. "The last one was so much more polite than you..."  
Silent tears made their way down Jason's cheeks.

\--

_someday i'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me_

\---

Up until now, Batman had never directed this type of fury Robin's way. He hadn't officially been the new Boy Wonder for even a full year. All previous hints of patience had left his mentor's scowling features as they exited the Batmobile. Robin stomped away in a huff, stripping himself of his suit, his own scowl firmly in place. He yanked the domino mask from his face as he heard a barked "Robin!" echo across the cave. He opted to ignore the Bat, keeping his damn mouth shut for once. Maybe if he could keep relatively cool then this confrontation would end sooner rather than later. Maybe it wouldn't stain what was left of the night, and they could all eat dinner (or was it breakfast now?) like a normal fucking family. As if.  
He angrily pulled on a pair of sweatpants and teeshirt Alfred had thoughtfully laid out for him in the changing room, not even bothering to shower off the grime that Gotham had stained him with tonight. A heavy sigh escaped his parted lips as he re-emerged, eyes drifting to the back of his mentor's head. Batman had taken up residence in front of the Batcomputer, and from the look of things was currently trying to re-assess their current case. The case Jason had definitely not just fucked up. The boy quietly made his way to the exit that would lead him out through an old grandfather clock, but as soon as his foot reached the first step leading up his progress was halted by a quieter, but just as stern, "Robin."  
He made sure his eyeroll was finished before he had fully turned to face Bruce, who was unsurprisingly still in full gear. Of course he wouldn't be let off this easily, even though he had withstood quite the heated lecture during the drive back to the cave.

"Yeah, dad?" he said flippantly, crossing his arms. That earned a taken-aback, narrow-eyed stare, but Jason knew that addressing him as such would soften whatever fresh punishment awaited. 

Bruce sighed and pushed back the cowl, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I realise I've been harsh. But, Jason," he lowered his hand from his face and met the boy's gaze, "You crossed a line tonight. You have proven that you're not ready for this responsibility. Not yet." 

Heat flared up Jason's face, features reddening in anger. He uncrossed his arms to clench his fists at his sides. "That's bullshit!" he spat back, seeing undisguised disapproval flash across his mentor's face. "You know I'm damn good at this! And who cares if some asshole who sells drugs to kids is in a coma for the rest of his life?! He got what he deserved!"

"As of now, Robin is temporarily retired." Bruce's stern scowl had returned, but his eyes had softened ever so slightly. "And...you're grounded until further notice."

\----- 

Three months. Three whole months into Jason's punishment, and the only things he had to look forward to every weekday were private tutelage and rigorous training from Batman. Alfred had insisted the boy have some semblance of normalcy and get weekends off to rest and recharge, an idea that hadn't involved much persuading. It was during one particularly quiet Saturday while Jason was curiously rooting around the engine of one of Bruce's towncars when there was the sudden sound of a throat clearing behind him. Jason whipped around, smudgey greased fists raised against the intruder. Richard Grayson's blinding smile greeted the boy. He was leaning against the doorframe leading into the vast garage, a large duffel slung over his shoulder. A light chuckle escaped the man as he strode forward to ruffle his hair.

"Easy, Jaybird, 's just me." Jason felt his cheeks flush at the playful gesture, and an embarrassed chuckle bubbled up in him as Dick dropped the bag onto the floor. "Want company?"

"Ohh my God, yes please," the fourteen year old replied with a dramatic eyeroll, "do you have any idea how fucking bored I've been?"

"Haha, yeah I figured, heard you got benched. I also heard your sentence got extended for using that type of language." Dick shot a wink at him.

Jason shrugged, an annoyed pout finding its way to his lips. "Yeah, you know stick in the mud Bruce.." That earned him another chuckle. He idly located a rag to wipe down his hands. "So what are you doing back in Gotham, Big Bird? It's been a while." Dick gave him a playfully stern look at the drop of the hated nickname.

"Came up to spend some time with the family, I know you all get lonely without me here. Speaking of which," Dick snatched up the teen into a bearhug, "I missed you, too, Little Wing."

\-------

_where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops  
that's where you'll find me_

\---

It had been a rare, wonderful night, everything he always looked forward to on patrols. A chance to set out with Nightwing without the Bat breathing down their necks. A chance to show Dick how proud he could be of the new Robin. They had played off each other's strengths effortlessly, witty repartee flowing like a river between the two. Jason had had more than ample opportunity to observe Dick's lithe form all night, watching the graceful, fluid motions of the acrobat, even as they busted bad guys and saved hapless citizens in the back alleys of lower Gotham. Nevermind the occasional, and very Bruce, chastisements Dick helpfully offered whenever the current Boy Wonder started to stray a little too far delivering justice.  
It had been at the end of their night, dawn fast approaching, that the sixteen year old had steeled himself for what he had planned upon their return to the manor.

They had long since shrugged off their respective costumes and hit the showers, and were now comfortably leaned against one another, cross-legged on the floor at the foot of Dick's bed, watching old movies on the, thankfully not as old, flatscreen tv that rested on the man's dresser, drinking soda and sharing a bowl of popcorn.  
Dick had long ago abandoned the thought of truly moving out of Wayne Manor, although he did have a small apartment in Blüdhaven that he spent most of his time at. Having multiple bases of operation was more practical, anyway, in case one were to ever be compromised. At least, that's what he always told Jason.  
Throughout their binge Jason had allowed his knee to inch ever closer to Dick's, until they were pressed firmly, but comfortably, together. Now seemed as good a time as ever to do what he had thoroughly prepped himself to do. Or at least, he had thought he had been thoroughly prepped.  
He subtly cleared his throat, heartbeat intensifying ever so slightly in anticipation.

"Hey, uh, Dick." Yeah, okay, sounded casual enough.

Dick turned his smiling blue eyes on his little brother. "What's up, Jay?" That warm, buttery tone, saved for their quiet moments together. Moments like this. Never failed to melt the walls around Jason's heart.

Jason breathed in through his nose slowly as he formulated the words in his head. "Got, uh...got something to tell you." 

In a few fluid motions he had set the popcorn bowl and drinks aside and positioned himself on his knees directly on either side of the man's crossed legs. He had grown since the last time they had really, truly spent substantial time together. That fact had apparently eluded Dick until this moment, being so close now, and this realization seemed to dawn behind those blue eyes.

"Dick.." He trailed off, his words failing him for the first time in a while.

"You okay?" Dick reached up to gently rub Jason's left arm, bringing attention to the fact the teen was lightly trembling. His brows knit together in concern. "Is something wrong?"

"Shit..." Jason murmured, sucked in a breath, and gently exhaled. He wrapped his arms around himself defensively. Dick's hand stayed right where it was on his arm. "Listen, Dick... Ever since I came into this slightly less shit life, I'll be honest, adapting has been hard. Obviously I know Bruce means well, but he doesn't always make it easy. But from the beginning, you've been there. Even when you're not in Gotham, I know you're on my team."

"Of course, Jay. Always."

"And," Jason continued, taking Dick's hand in both of his, "you've been the most constant good thing in my life. You're the most beautiful thing in my life." The black and white movie played on in the background, completely forgotten. Their eyes locked. "I...Dick, I love you." Before the man had any chance to even come to terms with this information, Jason leaned in and firmly pressed his lips to Dick's.

\--

He slid down the wall of his bedroom, eyes closing as he let Dick's face overwhelm his mind. "Little wing.." he had said gently before ruffling his adoptive brother's dark hair, "you know I'm too old for you.."  
Had that been...pity in Dick's eyes? Not that reaction, anything but that, not when he had bared his soul to his predecessor, his brother, his...  
Eyes shut tight, Jason bitterly freed his traitorous cock from his civilian jeans and tugged, possibly more roughly than he had meant to.

His confession had gone as he should have expected it to. His kiss, of course, had not been reciprocated. And the rest, well, that was to be locked up and stored deep in the untouched recesses of Jason's heart that he dared not look further into.  
Bruce Wayne had been the best father figure he had ever had, even though they would never quite see eye to eye. Deep down he loved him in his own way.  
But Richard Grayson had meant something else entirely to the boy. He had offered him true friendship, brotherly love, and a closeness Bruce could never offer.  
What else should he have expected? What ever, in the history of anything, had ever gone his way?

Imaginary arms wrapped around him, kissing him back. Imaginary dicks straining against restrictive jeans rutted together. Then, finally, hands were touching him, gentle and strong, touching every inch of skin they could reach. His free real hand slid underneath his shirt to roughly pinch a nipple. Those big imaginary hands joined his own. He let out a soft "Nnghh..." as he spilled over his jerking fist. Heartbeat slowing, he slowly opened his eyes to acknowledge the ugly truth he had coated his hand in, staring weary and dead-eyed at his shame.

\----

As soon as the Joker had left the mangled child alone in the structure, Robin lurched into as much action as he could. Having painfully detangled his own limbs, he began cataloguing his surroundings as quickly and accurately as he could, seeking out any viable exits. He was beaten and broken, but it's not like he hadn't had years of this type of experience under his belt...even if this had tested his limits like no other previous encounter. He quickly found that walking out of here was not an option as he fell to the floor after a few hesitant steps. Also that the only discernible exit was the door the clown had left through. He had honestly expected Batman to be here by now, to hoist the boy into his strong arms and carry him out of this nightmare.

Then the beeping, the counting down of his life, seeped into his peripheral. And there it was, the time bomb his mind had been too loud and frantic to hear before.  


_8...7...6..._

Any thought that had dared to hoist a flag of hope now abruptly fell into quiet defeat.

He let the memories consume his last moments regardless of their meaning.

\----

_birds fly over the rainbow  
why then, oh why can't i?_


End file.
